


I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask.

by BitterOddity



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorder, M/M, Sensitive Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-05-16
Packaged: 2018-03-30 19:36:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3949108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BitterOddity/pseuds/BitterOddity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eating disorders are psychological illnesses defined by abnormal eating habits that may involve either insufficient or excessive food intake to the detriment of an individual's physical and mental health. Kise's life wasn't easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Teddie my lovely potato-chin](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Teddie+my+lovely+potato-chin).



> I felt really bad writing this story, and I am really afraid of publishing it because I put a part of my life in the plot.  
> Hope you'll like it!  
> •the title is from the song Undisclosed Desires by Muse.

He was bulimic, yes bulimic. And he didn't want to let anyone know.  
The conditions that had led him to this were so disparate that trying to list them all would have been a huge waste of time, and to be honest he didn't even know if there was a real trigger. He couldn't remember it.

But he could remember the huge amount of stress caused by the approaching exams, the grueling trainings and last but not least the endless photo shoots in which he attended almost every day. Not that a bit more money in his wallet was unwelcome, but his fame attracted even too many customers and that was too much for a sixteen years old school boy.

Only a few months and that eating disorder was already part of his daily routine.

Eat (a lot), throw up everything and then go on. It made him feel powerful (at least at the beginning), and it was the only thing that he could do when he binged without restraint. He had to stay in shape, for his job and for basketball.

"I don't know how you can eat all that trash. Sometimes it feels like I am dating Murasakibara."

And then, there was him.

Daiki Aomine, his lazy, rough, sexy boyfriend.

Kise's grip got harder on the package he was carrying, harsh words on the tip of his tongue ready to slip out of his mouth. He swallowed them back with the remaining fries and threw the box in the closer trash can drawing a perfect curve in the air.

"3 points, even better than Midorimacchi!"

They didn't see each other very often, and the last thing he wanted was a quarrel.

He smiled when Aomine's arm rested on his shoulders. It always has been a pleasant sensation, specially in days like that one.

It was almost the end of September and cold drafts slipped under his oversized sweatshirt making him shiver, but the body heat of his boyfriend was enough to make him feel warm.

Kise snuggled in that embrace, laying his head on Aomine's shoulder.

"Daiki, I need to go to the toilet."

The other guy grunted and left him go kissing his temple.

"There's a public bathroom there, go. I'm waiting here."

 

Aomine wasn't a bad person. He was often thoughtless but he never did it purposely.

It was true, he never noticed Kise's new hairstyle or his modish t-shirts, but that time, watching his boyfriend walking away, he thought that there was something wrong.

The old pair of skinny jeans, that once wrapped perfectly his solid butt, now was barely hanging on Kise's hips.

And that sweatshirt was too big even for an oversized model.

 

"Do you wanna go to the movies? The new Avengers film came out."

That's the only thing Aomine managed to say when the blonde came back. He didn't want him to think he was paranoid or something.

"I'm sorry Daiki, I am really tired and it's cold today, isn't it? Maybe I should come back home."

They barely have been out for an hour, but there was no doubt that he was tired.

He could see the dark and deep circles under his eyes when Kise  placed his arms around his shoulders and his mouth on his lips to give him a tender kiss.

Yes, maybe he was paranoid, but wasn't his skin smoother and brighter? Even his usually red lips had lost their color and were less soft.

 

Kise's attitude wasn't different.

His smile never died and he always kept their hands locked, moving them both when he pointed a candy shop on the way home.

They shared a long, deep kiss in front of the blonde's door.

 

"Is there anyone at home?" 

Aomine's hot whisper on his lips made him melt.

"No..."

"Then let's do it."

"N-no wait... Not now." 

It's not that he didn't desire him, but getting undressed would had meant showing him his body.

Aomine looked at his boyfriend's hands on his chest, he was pushing him away.

"Ryouta, are you getting sick?"

Kise stepped back quickly, brushing the straw hair with his fingers in an involuntary gesture.

"No, I am fine don't worry."

"Are you sure?"

"I am, Daiki." He smiled again, as he wanted to prove his words.

"You should call the doctor, did you lose weight?"

The smile cracked on his face and a cold expression took his place.

"I already said that I am fine. See you."

 

He slammed the door and waited until he heard the sound of Aomine's footsteps dissolving.

He didn't want to be harsh, but the fear of being caught was strong and now he felt empty, again.

How long has it been since they last made love?

He opened the pantry and grabbed the jar of peanut butter.

Sure, they still exchanged kisses. Butterfly kisses, long prolonged or short kisses, delicate kisses or rough kisses full of passion and raw emotion. Nothing more.

Some cream cheese now was replacing the peanut butter in his mouth.

They did it all the time, at the beginning. 

There was no room in their middle school where they had't had sex. Not a single one, but they were young and reckless back then.

Kise opened another can of something. He didn't care about what finished in his stomach, now that all 

the flavors were mixed and he couldn't even distinguish them.

A sharp pain in the chest suddenly caught him, as memories streamed uncontrollably in his head.

Daiki's grin, their early morning cuddles, their kisses, the after sex talks.

He felt nauseous sooner than he expected, probably because heavy sobs shook his body.

Rubbing his eyes with the sleeve of his sweatshirt he threw the leftovers in the garbage can and headed to the bathroom.

 

There he was again, down on the knees looking at his reflection in the bottom of the WC.

He took a deep breath, then closed his eyes opening the mouth.

He sticked two fingers down his throat and removed them when he felt the undigested food coming back in his mouth.

He gasped, the cold sweat sticking the sweatshirt to his back.

He repeated his actions until the only thing he could throw up was bitter bile, then lie there for a bit, resting his cheek on the toilet seat and the hand still slobbering.

He was tired, sad and he already missed his boyfriend's presence.

At least his stomach was empty.

 

"So, why did you skip training? It's so unlike you."

"I told you, I had a photoshoot but it was canceled so I called you over."

Aomine shrugged at Kise's sleepy reply and kept stroking his back.

They were laying on Kise's couch, or it would be more correct to say that he was laying on the couch and his boyfriend was comfortably laying on him, the face buried in his chest.

They have never talked again about Kise's sick appearance, but that didn't mean that Aomine wasn't worried.

He knew perfectly that the missed photoshoot was a lie. He even talked to Kasamatsu to find out that Kise hadn't gone to the basketball trainings for a week because during the last friendly match he fainted right after a dunk.

But what was worse, he didn't know how to ask him what was going on.

He felt Kise wince and then snuggle more in his arms when the doorbell rang.

"It must be the Pizza delivery."

The blonde nodded rubbing the face  on his chest.

"Yup I'm getting up." He mumbled, his voice smothered by Aomine's t-shirt.

 

It was a quick dinner as usual.

They had to use "real dishes", as Kise called them, because "do you really want me to eat directly from the pizza box, Daiki?" But now he wasn't willing to wash them.

He'd managed to convince Aomine to do it for him, purring promises he knew he wouldn't keep.

 

It happened again when he was elbow deep in hot water scrubbing a knife.

Kise told him that he needed to go to the toilet, and quickly left the kitchen.

A weird feeling, almost like an intuition, hit him like a ton of brick.

There was no way that a normal guy who eats more than the usual wouldn't gain weight, but losing pounds eating like a pig was impossible.

Then there was the tiredness and unkempt appearance.

And the bathroom.

 

Kise barely had the time to hear his boyfriend rushing up the stairs and raised the head from the toilet.

He hadn't locked the door, and that made Aomine's entrance easier.

They looked at each other for some time trying to recover from the situation.

Aomine's face was deformed in a mixture of anger and pure terror.

The jaw was suddenly clenched, slaying the words he was about to say.

But his eyes. Kise could see himself in Aomine's eyes. They were like a mirror and he was like a blind man who all of sudden had his sight restored.

He could see his own pale, too pale skin stretching on the cheekbones.

His own hair reduced to straw.

His own happiness fading away.

 

He pushed himself away from the WC and tried to stand up, but he only managed to crawl on his knees closer to Aomine, who wasn't yet able to move a muscle.

"I am sorry Daiki, I am sorry!"

Aomine couldn't believe his eyes.

His beautiful boyfriend was there on the floor on all fours, reduced to a trembling bulk of weak bones, snot, tears and drool.

"Just why? Why are you doing this?"

Kise couldn't reply, chocked by unrestrained sobs. He was mumbling something that Aomine couldn't understand.

"Stop it now Ryouta, stop it."

He was already worried sick, but seeing his carefree, outgoing, always smiling Kise crawling and grabbing his legs was too much even for him.

He grabbed his arm and helped him up from the floor, holding his thin waist tightly when his knees trembled, and carried him to the bedroom.

He left Kise's body only when he was able to sit firmly on the bed without any help.

Aomine wanted to talk, it was obvious, but every time he tried to say something Kise's lover lip started to quiver and his eyes were filled again with tears. 

They ended up hugging each other on the bed, Aomine's rough hands tracing Kise's protruding bones, discovering that unfamiliar body, so different from the one he was used to touch.

Aomine felt his boyfriend freeze when his fingers slipped under his clothes and run on his spine, but the tension disappeared soon with his touch.

Kise was too tired to worry for his body, he just stopped fighting.

 

"Daiki?"

"Hm?"

"Do you think I'm disgusting?"

 

He took his time to reply, since he had never been good with words.

Flicking a blonde lock between his thumb and index finger, he sighed.

"No, I don't think you're disgusting. I think you're sick."

"That's so mean, Daiki."

His weak whine made him make a faint smile.

"I'm going to take you to the doctor tomorrow. No ifs, no ands or buts about it. I'm with you, always."

 

  
\-------

"Do you think they'll allow me to play in the next winter cup?"

The psychiatric rehabilitation center wasn't a bad place.

There was a big garden, and that's where they were that day.

Summer was ending but it was still hot enough to sit on a bench shaded by an old tree, far from indiscreet eyes.

"They said they'll discharge you in two days and that you can go back to school again, so I guess you'll be able to play basketball again."

A bright, beautiful smile arose on Kise's rounded face.

"I really want to come back to my life, I feel really better now!"

He didn't stop smiling even when he circled Aomine's shoulders with his arms to kiss him.

He felt better, and it was really true.


End file.
